PAIN

I managed to pull a muscle in my back again, this time during a boxing drill (bend your knees, not your back, moron). Because I'm an idiot, I worked through it. Ugh yesterday sucked. I still can't take a deep breath properly. Go me. Hopefully if I keep stretching it out, I'll be fine. Muscle relaxers = fail.

On that note, I have some tips for other uber-beginners. This is geared toward people like me who are just taking a boxing class for fun.

"Oh Samia, do tell!" said no one.

1) Stretch and warm up thoroughly. Pay special attention to your calves and hamstrings. Remember your waist and obliques, too. Straight punches and hooks derive a lot of their strength from the core and back muscles. If you do yoga, try some hip openers. Practice skipping to improve your cardio (I was shocked to find I am not where I was at 6 years old).

2) Shadowbox regularly in front of a mirror to tighten up your form and practice head movements. Punching air seems weird at first, but it's important to learn what it feels like to miss. Try to work in at least one low punch into each combination, and practice throwing at least 3-4 punches at a time. Shadowboxing is a good way to practice a lot of the things you'll learn in class.

3) When working the bag, punch quickly (almost a tap) and immediately revert to your boxing stance. If your fist stays with the bag too long, you're going to reabsorb some of the strength from your punch. And you'll be leaving one side of your head unguarded for an extended amount of time. You want to hit the bag, not push it.

4) When not striking, your hands should be relaxed and protecting your face (lead hand under one eye, rear hand at the other cheek). Tighten into a fist a moment before contact to prevent arm strain. Strike with your entire body and let your body weight do the work when possible.

5) Slow down if you need to get something right, then keep at it until it feels natural to you. Don't feel like you have to go crazy on the bag as soon as your instructor/coach yells something. You might have to step in or move around a bit to get into the right position first, especially if your bag is swinging around a lot.

I don't usually wear makeup to my workouts, but when I do, it's minimal. In case anyone is interested, MAC's Fluidline eyeliner (applied with a brush) can give you as thick or as thin a line you want and won't get all up in your eyes when you start heating up. Result: I may sweat like crazy, but my eyes remain as lovely and doe-like as a starlet from a black-and-white Indian film. This is important to me when the studio next to us is full of amateur fighters training for a state Olympics-style event. ;)))

Eh, "girly" stuff.

I had a good weekend. Parents visited, I got to check out Sis's new job downtown, and I finally got time to read some more of Rishi Reddi's Karma and Other Stories (brilliant! Here's a great review). This collection of sparkling short stories centers around the experiences of Hyderabadi transplants and their grand-/children in the Boston, MA area. I know a few folks are tired of it, but as someone who's been raised in an almost completely white+Western environment, I find Indian diaspora fiction delightfully cathartic and sweet. Reddi's characters are dynamic, relatable and interesting.

I'm excited because I'm going to be trying out a new hair salon on Friday. I usually go to this little punk-themed salon/tattoo shop across from a rather gross strip joint-- the folks at Rocket do good work, but I'm curious about some of the other places in town. Republic Salon is kind of a NYC-style loft-type deal located above one of my favourite bars/venues, close to one of the campus libraries. I'm excited; these stylists do hair for fashion shows and bands, and I've seen some great client reviews. The place also won an award for its interior design; apparently there's a "color bar" where you can sit down, sip complimentary wine and watch colors being mixed. Plus it's very reasonably priced. Needless to say, I fully expect these folks to make me pretty OR ELSE. Getting my hair done is probably the only way I really spoil myself*, and I only do it twice or three times a year, so a less-than-stellar experience is kind of unacceptable.

Next up: some resources on Southeast Asian feminism, and my hilarious attempt at boxing tips for other beginners.

*Seriously, every time I've attempted to shop for myself, it just turned into buying more shit for my friends/parents/sister. I GIVE UP.

Exploring Trans Feminism, Pt II.

The following post is my response to my pal Emily's initial take on this thing here. Now, I realize it can be exhausting to continually engage in "teaching moments," especially with folks like me who lack a grasp on proper terminology (to the point where I can't even choose a decent post title). Everyone should feel free to chime in or opt out at any time. Remember, this is a happy place. I feel kinda terrible about the character limit on my comments, but I can't figure out how to fix that.

Em's point about "bio" implying "real" is something I hadn't considered-- biocentrism is a very real phenomenon and my intentionality (or lack thereof) has no bearing on that. I have seen people use terms like "woman-born woman" and must conclude that this is not a universally loved turn of phrase, either. Male-assigned at birth and female-assigned at birth are much more accurate terms, especially in light of what I've learned in some of my biochemistry classes. *uncomfortable flashback*

Random: I would love to get a karyotype done, if only because it would make awesome living room art. I've seen the Barr bodies in my cells under a microscope, but you can't frame that.

When I say I'm not cool with gender roles, I mean I'm uncomfortable with the idea of roles that are so closely tied into a person's gender identity and/or physical appearance, if that makes any sense. That doesn't meant I don't recognize this is the way things ARE. While I would never want to do away with anyone's choices (provided they don't cause harm to others), I don't like this "I am male so I am free to act X, she is female so is free to act Y" thing the Patriarchy's got going on. I suspect most feminists are of the same mind on this matter?

I think as long as gender identity and gender roles are interlinked as closely as they are, they will continue to be coerced and their statuses will remain unequal. Maleness confers privilege. Isn't that part of the gender role? How can we make that equal to a feminine role which is so based on subservience to the Binary Other?

Does one need to identify as a woman in order to take on a female gender role?

????? (just thought I'd throw in a few more question marks in there for good measure)

Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY EMILYYYYY!

Full-time Paeon.

I'm getting a lot of hits to my trans issues/cis privilege post, which is extremely embarrassing. I do plan on responding to comments as well as doing a series of related entries, perhaps under a less off-putting title. And maybe infused with half a clue. Just...not now. My brain is out of commission at the moment.

Looks like we found a place to live next year. Now if I can just negotiate being homeless for a week in early August, things will be awesome. This will be around the same time I'm starting that little side project thingie I was talking about earlier (I'll be working an extra 10 hours a week doing something for a PI who does molecular fungal biology). I have no idea how this will work out.

Big Ol' National Laboratory Internship decisions will be handed down starting July 1-August 31. I just got an e-mail from a contact person asking if I'm still interested. HELL YES I'M INTERESTED PLEASE PICK ME PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

I enjoy comparing the zillions of awful online reviews of my current apartment complex with the glowing praise heaped upon our home-to-be. I don't think I could write a halfway civil review of this place...

bleh

I promised to get Micro PI some results today but I won't have them for her by this afternoon. Since she is not my day-to-day supervisor, I'm afraid this will make me look like a complete fucking slacker. I was going to come in early this morning, but Sis was up around 3-4AM getting ready for her ultra-glamourous conference in Washington, D.C. and I had trouble dropping off amid all the clicking and clacking.

My eyes hurt, I'm really, really tired and possibly going to get politely yelled at after lab meeting. Yay.

Saw this at Pam's. Senator Chris Dodd (D-CT) now supports marriage equality for same-sex couples. He's written a very cool op-ed about the line of reasoning that led him to his current position.

Understanding Trans as a Cis XX Feminist, Pt. I.

As a disclaimer, I only recently began to explore trans/-feminist issues with any kind of real vigour, largely because I want to better support and understand the people in my life (as well as others who might waltz in). If my ignorance offends you, I sincerely apologize. I welcome correction and suggestion of all kinds. However, I will never consider any of my trans readers "obligated" to share jack shit with me.

I am one of those feminists who idealizes a world without meaningful gender roles. But there are people out there who are fighting for their freedom to take on the sex I have been assigned-- a sex which comes pre-packaged with a role I find extremely confining. If a bio-born male identifies as female, I am a little uncomfortable with her describing femaleness as a freeing experience when women are de facto an oppressed group worldwide. And when a bio-born female identifies as male, I cannot turn a blind eye to the fact that being recognized as male automatically confers male privilege upon oneself.

Basically, I am becoming aware of my discomfort with certain concepts that seem to clash with my personal feminist philosophy and goals. I am also becoming more sensitive to all the crap trans people deal with that I have never had to think twice about. But I'm most uncomfortable with all the stuff I can't catch because I never once questioned the authenticity of my biological sex!

I've been reading some trans commentary on anti-trans feminists (I can't read a lot of anti-trans stuff directly for the same reason I don't go out looking for white supremacist writing). I was reading through the 'anti-transgender feminism' category on Questioning Transphobia (Huck, your blogroll is saving my life) and saw this:

First of all, no, cissexual women do not have “gender dysphoria” and it’s both trivializing and tokenizing toward trans people to claim that discomfort with being a woman in a patriarchal society is the same thing as living with being trans – that is, with the fact that you know your physical sex isn’t right...

It’s like this: Pre-transition life is like a prison. You’re expected to live according to your sex assigned at birth, even though every part of you knows this is wrong. Transitioning means so many things on so many levels, and that includes being able to do things appropriate to your proper sex without being labeled as a freak (although the labeling still happens). Trans women who are excited about shopping for clothes and shoes aren’t excited because this is the breadth and depth of the experience of “womanhood” to trans women, but because it is one of many things that we can finally do as women.

I too, am expected to "live" according to my sex at birth. And I think that's wrong. But I am a cis woman and can't see past my experience without help. What does "appropriate to your proper sex" mean, and how can I understand it without inferring the involvement and reinforcement of crippling gender roles I oppose as a cis female feminist? How is Lisa's statement not a reinforcement of our socially enforced gender dichotomy? The idea of gender-appropriateness sent up a HUGE red flag for me.

I think the crux my problem is that I have never determined my physical sex to be wrong; I just oppose large chunks of the role I'm expected to play in society as a card-carrying member of my sex. And let's face it, the two (biology and behavior) are understood to go hand in hand. So I don't know what Lisa means here: a trans person only finds their anatomy to be lacking? This can't be true, or transitioning individuals would not so frequently take on the trappings of the gender roles that accompany their true sex.

I think every feminist has some inner vision of their ideal world. I want to live in a place where gender means nothing at all and no one will ever have to worry about whether or not their body parts match up with their behavior and sex reassignment surgery (if desired) would not be nearly as difficult to come by. I want to live in a place where "feminine" and "masculine" no longer hold real meaning...people just do whatever the hell they wanna. Even the words gay and straight would lose impact. However, I'm well aware this is not the world we live in. Is my vision somehow anti-trans?

Yeah, I'm not sure what the hell my problem is, but it needs to DIE.

Awaiting the The Ultimate Fighter 9 finale...

This would be why I write a blog. I suck at commenting like a normal person.

A local domestic abuse shelter is opening up a new thrift shop on the east side of town and I'm thinking of volunteering. This one will be aimed more toward yuppie types like myself, which is good because 1) I have a lot of extra things and 2) my town is already home to several popular privately owned upscale thrift shops that are doing quite well, so a similarly themed charity store could really take off. I'm not sure how I will actually make volunteering work between teching full-time (THE TIMESHEET LIES), spending some evenings at the rec center getting my punch on, and getting a GRE math tutor (it's free to me, so if it's overkill, at least I'm getting a really nice grad student some extra $$$ from the Division of Academic Enhancement).

Sis and I have been checking out apartments for the past few days. I'm torn between two of the nicer places we visited, so I'm composing a spreadsheet and reading the lease agreements over and over. I'm turning into my parents...I cannot make a decision without going over everything repeatedly until everyone around me pretty much wants to die (flashing back to the purchase of our family's first CD-changing stereo...aaauuuugh). In my defense, we've had a shitty time with our current management and I'm not signing anything without understanding what the hell is going on.

I'm excited because this will be my first post-graduation place, so I actually feel some compunction to have the furniture match and possibly entertain once in a while. You know, in my dream life where I have friends I can actually stand to be around for more than five minutes. It's funny 'cause in that comment at Zuska's I mentioned the importance of knowing at least one openly feminist person...I feel like I'm the only person I know (sisters who are basically a hotter carbon copy of myself do not count here).

One of my pals says I help her feel like a stronger person, more able to feel confident in her decisions and her right to an opinion, and that our friendship has made her care about a lot of issues she didn't think much about before. That's cool and all, BUT I WANNA FRIEND LIKE THAT TOO.

If I could find my black lipstick, I'd be wearing it right now. :/

I'm going to be moving at the end of July, which incidentally is when I'm scheduled to present my results to Micro Lab. And I have no idea where I'll be living or storing my shit for the week between lease periods...fun stuff.

I wouldn't mind being 8 again. I was cute, still had my cute baby teeth, read Dragonlance novels, wrote school papers about becoming a chemist-or-astronomer*, and composed menus for a Star Trek-themed restaurant. Oh, and I collected those awesome sparkly Sailor Moon stickers. My parents took care of the rest of it.

GRAAAHHHH WHY DIDN'T DAD VISIT THIS WEEKEND

*A marked improvement over 5-year-old Samia's ideal gig, which was part-time doctor/part-time ice cream vendor at Stanley Park. Yeah. I liked me some damn ice cream.

Real quick.

I found some moneys. So I'm sitting in this gyro place listening to crappy British punk and eating fries. It beats going straight home after work. Stuff I like right now:

Lisa at My Ecdysis can't figure out why people need to know if it's a boy or a girl.

Candid Engineer doesn't like being told she's doing science for the wrong reasons.

Stanford/MIT's Tomorrow's Professor Blog tackles conflict management at the department chair level.

Feminist Jayhawk (law student at KU) writes about rape and the few good men who aren't really.

Amodini Sharma of Ultra Violet explains why "no sex education for us, we're Indian" is not flying with her.

Where did this week go...

I've been getting some traffic from this completely futile discussion at Zuska's about the male gaze.

Two words: "wrong question."

Two more words. "SOMUCHMORE COMPLICATEDTHANTHAT!"

I do admire Dr. Z for taking on the monumental task of educating some of her male readers. But I have to take issue with some people's idea (I've kind of noticed this around some parts of the net, anyway) that a women's studies class is the best place to learn about some of this stuff. As far as I'm concerned, college classes are a crapshoot, especially if you're wanting to learn about issues facing non-middle-class and/or non-heterosexual and/or non-cisgendered and/or non-ablebodied and/or non-white women. The whole notion of "formal education" being the best way to learn about social justice issues strikes me as classist and possibly self-defeating, especially on campuses as homogeneous as my own. Sometimes your teacher really doesn't know much more than you do...

I liked this comment from Pt. I of the Gender Knot discussions:

One of my female colleagues once remarked that white men don't really care what race, culture, or sex you belong to as long as you act like a white heterosexual male.

I've observed this firsthand in my relationships with white male mentors. Any reminder of my ethnic background/sex and I feel as if I've introduced some kind of crazy distraction to the situation. It's annoying and weird. My brown female body doesn't bother these men (and sometimes I find this out in less-than-polite ways), but it's my ownership and consciousness of that identity that creates the unspoken apprehension (should we start calling this Sotomayor syndrome?). If I identify too much with my otherness, our academic/intellectual bond attenuates until I rectify things by disowning parts of myself again. It's hard to explain. Science is sooooooooo white sometimes.

Edit: I do want to add that I haven't experienced this uncomfortable phenomenon to the same degree with white women, who IN MY EXPERIENCE, tend to show more interest in me as a whole person. Not saying they always go about that the right way, but such is life.

I have to throw another AMEN to this commenter:

...we also seem to have many who think that calling someone a sexist (or racist, xenophobe, etc.) is way worse than actually being those things

Exactly. Why is it impolite to take objection to a bigoted attitude, but fine to BE a bigot? Shit don't make no sense.

I'm sad because I didn't get much done at work today, Sis is busy so no racquetball this evening, tomorrow will probably suck due to Ass-Long Time-Sensitive Experiment which means no time to check out apartments, and Dad isn't visiting this weekend. Also, I am broke and we have no food. :*(

I need a punching bag for the apartment...and these.

^_^;

So I've been reading over some of my past blog posts. Clearly, someone needs to relax (thankfully I've got boxing tonight).

Since I am (finally!) getting paid next week, I think I'll share some recent windowshopping...

xUMP carries science toys/kits and really basic lab equipment like cheap microscopes and labcoats for grade school experiments. Pretty much any website with a "Dinosaur Stuff" section is cool with me. I like how they seem to have decided this is a MAN'S gift basket. I would almost get it as a Father's Day gift just to guilt Pops into putting the ridiculous "thermodynamic drinking bird" on his office desk and watch him grade papers with an astronaut pen. Little Unborn/Unadopted Johnny already hates me for someday forcing him to set up a homemade root beer stand...

Someone needs to explain what growing fake quartz has to do with the actual ISS crystal missions. I WILL NOT THUSLY MISLEAD MY CHIRREN.

I haven't visited ThinkGeek in a while, partly because a lot of their stuff is unoriginal tripe...but I kinda want the .edu shirt. And these Miracle Berry thingies would probably make an interesting Friday night. Phantom Keystroker V2-- YES. Aaand I kinda want one of these teeny USB drives to back up my netbook...I'm ready to try out a new OS (Gloria? Anyone?).

Someone introduced me to Fred&Friends a while back and I've been obsessed ever since. Check out the Equal Measure measuring cup, because sometimes you want exactly 5000 drops of water...

Okay, time for lab meeting (I need one of these).

Yes, the male gaze is alive and well...

This presentation is a great resource about the male gaze in print media.

Open up a women's magazine, then mentally replace the female models with male ones. Why is it so funny?

My sister pointed out to me a long time ago that females in print media are often photographed in vulnerable, submissive positions (on the ground/head tilted/standing, but off-balance somehow, rarely standing firmly on their feet). The phenomenon is deeper than a simple portrayal of females as submissive or childlike. After all, some incredibly powerful women are posed like this by top photographers (we rarely see a male dynamo half-clothed with a finger in his mouth, but I digress). The point is that true power lies in *controlling* the male gaze, in being aware that you are watched, and assuming the viewer is a heterosexual male with a conventionally peddled idea of female beauty.

Women's magazines teach female readers to view ourselves and other women through this lens, which facilitates selling us more cosmetics/surgery/diet food/whatever, and also to be incredibly critical of other women's appearances (all of which distract us from THE REVOLUTION!). Keep in mind that we generally make less money than most men and are expected to spend significantly more of that income on physical upkeep (= unnecessary augmention and a standard of hygiene non-females are not expected to meet).

The Man is holding us down, ladies...

I always wondered why a female celebrity isn't truly a success story in our society 'til she's done a weird "feminizing"magazine spread, be it in Glamour or something like Playboy/FHM.

Why is it empowering for an average woman to do a "sexy" photoshoot, anyway? The concept weirds me out. Even when we're trying to feel better about ourselves, we are reminded that the entirety of our talents and the strength of our characters will never be as socially significant* as our perceived physical attractiveness to All Hetero Men (especially the Imaginary Ones). Maybe I've been watching too many of those "See, you're not ugly!" shows. Great message there, guys. Let's all rush to distinguish ourselves from the ugly people, who clearly have nothing of import to share with the world, as decided by...male gaze?!

War is Peace. Freedom is Slavery. Ignorance is Strength...

*I'm tired of following female MMA because no one can ever talk about the sport without making it a discussion about which ones are hot/look "manly." A male fighter can have a face like a bloodhound, and no one gives a shit BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MATTER. Sorry, just GRAH.

Murgh.

Women's bodies are still subject to open judgment and commentary by heterosexual males of all ages. Today was a clear reminder for me. Let's see, we have: a group of baby-faced middle school children, some weird cackling guy in a Hawaiian shirt, an exceedingly creepy taxi driver, an old dude in a pickup truck who looks like he lives on a secluded compound in the woods, and two firefighters (in their vehicle, no less).

It was hot today, dammit. What the hell am I *supposed* to wear (perhaps a scimitar on my back)?

And why did one guy imply I'm racist for not responding to a catcall? What is THAT horseshit?

Maybe in some circles, the kind of harassment I experienced today passes for a "compliment." But it makes me feel ugly and worthless when strangers on the street make stupid comments that assume 1) my sexual availability, and 2) that my body exists to please them personally.

Yet more crap to file under "(heterosexual) male gaze."

And now I need ice cream.

Personal success of the day: getting aliquots during key stages of my experiment so I can back-calculate a timeline using various criteria. Usually I forget to take aliquots and miss out on some important data points. YAY FOR MINDFULNESS. :)

Oh, and My Ecdysis is a great blog I stumbled upon via Racialicious. Lisa writes brilliantly about race, PoC feminism, reproductive justice issues, and her life/current pregnancy. The woman is a radical. <333 Go look!

Shocking! Post-feminism dating advice looks the same...as the old stuff.

The Obamas' marriage illustrates the need for heterosexual black women to lower their standards, according to at least one columnist. PostBourgie is having none of it: He Woulda Put a Ring On It, But You're Too Picky.

My gut reaction to the Root piece being critiqued: 'Yes, because all heterosexual relationship issues stem from individual, usually female faults and not the multiple restraints placed on individuals by a society that selectively enforces confusing gender role/racial behavioral "norms."'

The comments on Desmond-Harris' article will make your brain explode (I personally enjoyed the challenge to All Black Women to justify their collective treatment of one guy who's had a less-than-perfect love life).

How come the 'solution' to everything is always for women to lower our standards? Wait, this is the new, enlightened professional woman we-don't-need-no-feminism relationship advice? "Aim low and you're bound to hit something?"

Maybe there's a similar amount of "Straight men, stop looking for your female equals!" stuff out there and I just haven't seen it yet.

Prospective Male Suitors should know that I will not hesitate to leave your ass via Post-It Note if you finish the last of my Oreo O's without replacing the box. I don't care how feminist you are, how good you smell, and/or the way your massive biceps look like swollen chinchillas trying to escape your arms. Thems are MY standards.

Wurk.

Everyone wish Eugenie luck and brilliance at her REU host school! I read this and thought, "NEXT WEEK?! I've been at this for years and I'm still a damn n00b."

I'm getting ready to run a new set of experiments tomorrow and it's weird to recall how much the technique freaked me out just a few months ago. Now I'm all..."I got this."*

It's kinda cool to not have any classes to get in the way of research. I'm more able to sense my progress now. I feel like I've been climbing a giant mountain. Only when I stop to look behind me do I notice I'm not actually on the ground anymore.

Yeah, you know you like my similes.

Right now I'm working 30 hours a week. One of my mentors is going to bat for me and trying to get a fellow PI to throw me another 10 hours, which would bump me up to Full-Time Official Non-Schmuck. I'd be spending the extra time on a really cool project no one has ever worked on (what I'm doing now has been attempted before, which is why it's now classified as We're So Sure You Can't Do This, There's a Nature Paper and Complimentary Flying Pig in It For Anyone Who Nails It).

I'm excited because
1) more $$$ for Possible Trip to India Next Summer and
2) I think this new project could mean a faster publication if we can get it to work

If Yet Another PI funds me, I'll officially be split between 3 departments. My resume is starting to get a little confusing.

Wish me luck on the new prospect, which is definitely NOT a sure thing. I have no idea what insurance/benefit-related dark magic happens when a non-student employee goes full-time. The university might brand me. I don't know.

*said while leaning back with a toothpick sticking out of my mouth.

I noticed Professor Zero has been showing my blog some love. I don't get it, but I'm tooootally down with it. It's funny the title of this site reminded her of a strike song. For the record, it's actually inspired by a Röyksopp tune of the same name:

49%
1% short of half
and less than half
ain't really much of nothing...

...which is exactly how I feel sometimes about myself and my writing-- not completely useless, but still not quite intelligent enough to be relevant.

Speaking of Röyksopp (FAVE GROUP EVAR), their new album is amazing and features some of my favourite vocalists of all time. In fact, I'll probably review it later for you, my dear, completely apathetic, readership. :)

I'm not sure why all my favourite music comes out of northern Europe (Opeth, Gender, Arch Enemy, Apocalyptica, etc.)...I may have been an angry gay Finnish man in a previous life.

It's summer and the sun. Is. Right. Here. Next. To my goddamned ear. Holy crap. I've been running around all day running errands and being late to meetings (CHEE' PIZZA ALL GONE?? NOOOOOOO), and right now I'd like to deathnap. But a nap will kill my willpower to work out later in the evening. :/

If you live in the States and own a television, you've probably heard all about the Sonia Sotomayor thing, which I found hilarious (THIS is real news, people). I'm sorry, I'm supposed to believe American "mainstream media" has a liberal bias (oh, like how Hollywood is so liberal)? Bitch please. Anyway, I don't necessarily agree with Ta-Nehisi Coates' take on things, but there's a great discussion in the comments. Jamelle believes conservatives' ignorance of whiteness prevents them from being able to discuss race without going apoplectic-- once again, I don't necessarily agree with everything, but interesting comment-banter.

Another Linux question.

Does anyone know how to convert a multiple-session .img file to .iso in Ubuntu/Mint?

I have a multiple-disk DOS game in .img format and need a way to mount it...ccd2iso craps out as soon as it hits the second disk.

Blah.

This weekend sucked. I need new friends (and a new favourite bar that won't rob a bitch). Actually, I just need to get the hell up out of this town. Work at least offers a stimulating intellectual environment.

I'm thinking of breaking our lease and moving to a new apartment complex. The two groups of tenants under us are now trying to intimidate/threaten us. We have called the guards to ask them to please quiet down, we've called the police (who proceeded to flirt with some of the female partygoers, which is scary because all those chicks look like soccer moms to me), and yes, we've gone down there and talked to them. They like to be nice to our faces, then audibly talk shit about us to their gaggle of drunk-ass friends. These folks will apparently do anything but lower the volume, and I'm expecting some kind of vandalism in the next few weeks.

There is definitely a racial aspect to the tension-- it's easy for the guys to write us off as uptight foreign chicks, especially because we're sisters. I don't care to explain it to anyone who doesn't understand-- this is real life. Not everything makes sense to everyone's wittle bwain. There would be less hostility if we were two white women, and more if we were two black men, period. When you're part of a so-called model minority, things are different. You're cool as long as you assimilate completely, and heaven help those of us who ever have a problem with anything an insecure white man does.

I have more to say, but the internet already finds me racist.

I'm finding this "glare and point them out to your friends" thing amusing. Because we're being soooo unreasonable. When you're waking me out of a sound sleep in my UPSTAIRS BEDROOM AT 4AM, your ass needs to hold it down and start saving up for a house.

So last night these guys came to our door at like 2AM and knocked insistently, apparently expecting us to talk things out with them.

Feminist moment: Those of you who think me unreasonable for not opening the door to rap with a drunk guy are probably the same ones who'd blame me for my own assault if something went badly. Oh wait, I forgot-- I'm supposed to tell the criminals from the Average Joes through my barely functioning peephole. Newsflash: lawbreakers don't usually have the courtesy to visually present as Cthulhu.

Living here has made me want to learn how to shoot and maintain a firearm. I am dwelling entirely too damned close to some truly fucked up people.

Question for my readers...

Did I make a mistake by not keeping this blog anonymous?

I am mooooooooody.

Okay, my two days of I-suck-at-science panic are over. Today was pretty awesome. This morning Pharm PI asked how I'm feeling about my project. According to him, I should be feeling a sense of accomplishment at this point, having come a long way since last semester. I will relax when I see some effing crystals, dangit. But at least he's not disappointed with me. Why the hell am I constantly waiting for someone to grab me by the hair and tell me I'm not cut out for this?

I read somewhere that many female scientists feel especially insecure about their work. I chalk this up to an "Am I doing okay? Really? Really really?" attitude that's kind of inculcated in us (you know, lest a chick get all uppity and stop taking stock of other people's opinions every five seconds*). On one hand, this is what I want to do and I will roundhouse kick anyone who tells me I can't. On the other, it's like I'm afraid someone is going to figure out I secretly suck at everything. I try to remind myself I'm most susceptible to this mindfuckery when things are getting slow with my project. I also try to remember that every young scientist is going to be wobbly in the beginning.

As my PI keeps needling into me, I'm pretty much learning everything the same way a new grad student would. Nothing less. So it ain't like this hasn't been done before. There's language I can understand: Samia, you're not special.

I no longer feel terrible about the results I've been getting with Technique X**, because the folks in Micro PI's lab are using a pre-made kit and newer apparatus-- it's about 50x easier, hands down. And they can't believe the amount of extra work I've been doing, which makes me feel better about taking so long to get shit done.

*In a lot of cases, female scientists are just subject to a disproportionate amount of weird macho-y scientist asshattery that goes on...it happens. Amazing how much of our irrational defensiveness sometimes has a basis in personal experience...
**Ugly experiments that yielded usable results; have moved onto the next step so it's all good!

Sound issue with Linux Mint 6.

A couple of days ago all sound on my HP Mini disappeared. It went completely mute, and no amount of fiddling with keyboard or media player controls was helping. I browsed the LM forums and found a relevant post (aimed at Mint 7 users experiencing PC muteness upon installation). What worked for me was installing GNOME ALSA Mixer:

Terminal: apt-get install gnome-alsamixer

After installation, you can access the program either through the terminal or the Sound & Video portion of the Mint menu. I tweaked with the master controls from there, and I'm good. Hope this helps someone out.

If anyone knows anything about upgrading from 6 Felicia to 7 Gloria, lemme know!

I hate life right now. HATREDY.

I think I'm depressed?

*tiny violin*

In the words of a PI around here: "We don't have money, we don't have alcohol (ethanol)..."

I had no idea some of my trans friends have been blogging about their transitions...yay I have new stuff to read! Hopefully I'll be able to keep from cis-privilege-ing all over their stuff. :O

This week needs to hurry up and be over.

As a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed Hatchling Scientist, I give less than a shit about looking stupid (the key is doing it gracefully and with a good attitude!). I have no ego when it comes to learning something new, and certainly not in lab. My mind is still malleable enough that I'm not married to one particular way of doing things. I'm happy to be corrected, and I don't even mind rudeness if it's coming from a person who's in a position to teach me something. But when there's literally no one around to show me how to troubleshoot a situation...this is when I have issues. It's certainly not the fault of anyone in particular, but I'm extremely frustrated with work right now. I am the limiting factor in this project, and I don't like not having access to everything I need. Blah.

Pharm PI is surprised that my first setups look good (thanks, man?). If I can make some serious headway in the next month, I'll be able to send off some data on the next collection trip. No pressure...

I'm sad because I won't be able to go downtown after boxing tomorrow night. My gal pal's new roomie performs as a drag king, and I wanted to seeeee. :/

Ask me if I'm a hag. Ask me.

Sis has discovered a bunch of my old CDs from middle/high school. The apartment is vibrating with the echoes of my teen angst. :)

And these bitches who live underneath me are being loud again. I don't even think those guys go to school or work or anything. The only time I see them outside of their apartment is when they're heading downtown at night or bringing in more nasty Keystone Light from their car. Then they'll try to give me Death Glares, which is always good for a giggle. Oh, you sweet little babies. I will cut a bitch. I will cut. A bitch.

ConvertToMP3.

Need to convert DRM-free iTunes files (m4a) to mp3 format in Linux? Try this. You select your directory of m4a files, and it creates a new folder containing freshly converted mp3s. Easy. I had to save the file and auto-install rather than open the file directly as stated in the instructions. Now I can easily transfer stuff from Sis's iPod to my Samsung YP-K3 via Gnomad2.

Racialicious has me thinking again...

Jessica Yee writes for Ricepaper Magazine on her experience as an Asian Aboriginal Canadian. The feeling of being "caught" in the West is something many people can relate to. How ________ are you? Enough? Too much? And who decides-- the colonizers or an in-group "old guard?" What if you're part of multiple 'in-groups?'

It’s true that nowadays we don’t really sit down and discuss our culture with one another. We see it represented mostly in festivals or conferences, but we have the ability to do more than that. As Ms. Chow puts it, “You don’t just look at the foods and colours of people if you want to know about their culture, you have to understand wholly where the person comes from. It’s more than just their country.”

Although Yee raises several huge points in her article, the above portion stuck out to me in particular. I'm a little tired of some(!) of the "international cultural festivals" which are really just modern minstrel shows. Yes, let's feed the ignorant people our awesome food and dance for them in our best clothes that they won't actually appreciate. Don't forget to dumb down the spoken presentations and sanitize our national/tribal histories so no one has to feel bad. Also, let's make it sound like our country has some national "temperament" shared by every last one of its denizens. That'll get us equal time in history classes. *facepalm*

Before anyone shanks me, I have been to good festivals-- in areas that were already rather diverse and boasted large minority populations. But the crappy ones...oh, boy. I'm torn because those ones tend to take place in not-as-diverse areas, so the presenters are really just happy someone's listening to them and trying to participate. But respect...it just ain't there. We're just entertainers, othering ourselves for the amusement of ignorant people. And I HATE that.